Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
