just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
