Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
