Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
