I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
