I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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