somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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