So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
