Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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