The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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