DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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