I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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