Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
