If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
accomplished twins. life is a go
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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