I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
