I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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