It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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