On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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