sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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