ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
