dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
