paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
is wine microwaveable?
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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