I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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