When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
