I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
