I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
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my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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