if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
