I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
