I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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