Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
