you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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