he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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