My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
