last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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