She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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