Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
