I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
