Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
