the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
