Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
