I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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