Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
