God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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