I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Randomize
