I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
