Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
