i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
