Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
