Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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