I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
