i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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