Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
