I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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