He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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