apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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