Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
