Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
