I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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