do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
