that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
