I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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