i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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