I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
two words: eviction party
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
