Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
