I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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